Unpredictable

• My son will be two years old tomorrow. His conception is not a pretty story. It is not one of love and longing, of two people yearning for a joining of their souls in the tiny whisper of a new born. I had been out drinking, went home with a friend I had known for quite some time. We agreed nothing would happen between us and went to bed. I fell asleep on my stomach and was awakened in the night by him moving on top of me, taking what was not his to take. I didn’t say anything. I felt like it was my fault. Maybe I gave him the idea that it was ok because I went back to his house with him. I knew what people would say. The next morning I walked home feeling dirty and sick to my stomach. I put it from my mind the best that I could  and went about my life. About two months later, I started to feel a little off. My breasts were sore and I was nauseas more often than not. I had been working out and I remember praying, please let it be from working out, please. I went to Shoppers drug mart and bought a pregnancy test. Went right to the public washroom and peed on that stick. When I saw those two solid  lines appear, my heart sank. I told my mom that the father was someone I had a fling with and that I was thinking about an abortion. I didn’t want her to know about the shame and guilt that I had carried with me for the last two months. I was also worried about what people would think. Pregnant with no boyfriend in sight. I made an appointment at a clinic downtown to see if I was in fact pregnant. My mom came with me for support. When the clinic worker confirmed the pregnancy, my mom started to cry. I just sat there, taking it all in. She took me to the next room and got me ready for an ultrasound so we could see how far along I was. She slathered my belly with that cold gel and put the little monitor on my stomach. I was eight weeks along. She pointed to a spot on the screen that was kind of pulsing and she told me that was the little heartbeat  (the first time I actually heard his heartbeat, I cried). I saw that little heart going and I fell in love. The fear of what people would think gave way to the overwhelming rush of love along with the maternal instinct to protect the little life growing inside me. From an act of degradation and violation came this little boy who is the smartest, funniest, cutest little human I know. Every day he reminds me that life is unpredictable and just when it seems like it’ll be dusk forever, along comes hope and leads you out into the dawn.